stumbling along

So here I am another day and posting. Three days in a row, reason is mostly because it is the weekend. I realize that keeping this up, daily posting I mean I need to change the way I do it, or not post daily. Reason is it has been taking me almost three hours or four before I am happy enough to hit that Publish button, I try to use words I mean to say and I try to say something meaningful. The subject is easy because

‘we all love to talk about ourselves’

(so I have been told) seriously, I would sooner listen to someone talk about themselves. So I find myself, doing this often, I take the conversation into their world and I hear them. Honestly tho, I sometimes don’t hear them and I pretend that I did hear them. Now this happens when the voice in my head has grasped a thought they shared and for some reason my thoughts will stay there till I shake it off or I say the thought with them. So see in the meantime they said ‘this….’ and I didn’t really hear those words. Some say,

‘I wasn’t paying attention.’

Or it is that I am paying attention to the thought that I can help them with. Most of the time when I share with them the words that come into my head I get a physical feeling like goose bump. I think that is the best word to use to describe the feeling. I only wonder if these words I seem to need to say are words that are meaningful and profound to them.

I like the words magical and mystical, they connect to another word imagination. Now really these are of a positive nature and then now you are in a positive atmosphere. It is a spiritual environment where I can turn the most boring projects or chores into a time for reflecting on who I am and what for and why? It is about expanding my imagination and that positive environment makes it easier. I know I need those positive words like optimistic, upbeat, and how about beautiful, so on. Then again sometimes, I do not express it in words but I see it in my mind.

These time of being alone are so very important to. It is a time to recognize ourselves, to look at how we are developing and to restore our energy so we can move forward.

Someone said something like this to me once;

“The most restful person may not be the one who sleeps ten hours a day, but the one able to grab catnaps while cruising 600 miles-per-hour at 35,000 ft.”

Understanding time to act, and to keep quite when it is time to keep still. In doing this is partly how you can get ‘peace of mind’ and then I am more focused.

When I was a little girl I use to visit my Uncle Fred, who was a switchboard operater and he was in a wheelchair . But he could wheel up to this switchboard (by the way this was a dinosaur way of communicating), all the chords he would pull and place into a hole to connect this person to that. I would look at his switch board and I would wonder how he knew what hole to place it to make the communication smooth. Well our bodies work much in the same way. As we sit erect and our spine is balanced and our nerves are the switchboard that causes your body to move.

He-he, I don’t know why I shared that story, have not thought of Uncle Fred for a very long time.

I need to treat this spark of energy with care and protect it. Imagine myself as a candle lite to allow you to see and warm. Then a wind comes up and I circle my hand around the flame to stop it from going out. Yet don’t get to close that you put it out or burn yourself. Like the worry I maybe deemed crazy could suffocate my spark.

Sometimes I know I am misunderstood and I am not sure if I have made enough effort to make my love ones appreciate me. Everyone in my world think stuff about me that isn’t true. But I like it be that way. Like at work I went home sick on Thursday and today I feel I am still sick and yet I am worried about staying home. “What will my co-worker think.” My digestive system is wonky and I sit her on my yoga ball thinking well try to go to work. Then I think but where will I find a washroom if I need it. When I am on route I can’t say ” Stomach stop that, I have 5 blocks to go before we are near a washroom, just wait,k.”

Now don’t get me wrong my children give me great pleasure and I love my husband dearly. But communication and sharing I find is not as good as I think I should be. See how I worded that “as good as I think it should be” They probably think everything is great. So deep down I have this inner conflict of being with them and being alone. Or do I, come on be honest with your self. Maybe fear plays a big part. Seem these days fear is playing a big roll.

Well I think I shall end there and go watch a movie or continue reading the book I started last weekend. None the less I want to escape from my usually weekend chores.

I am feeling the emotions of the change in our lives, and I do not know how this change will affect us. But we are happy to be and had been available to be open to experiences like these. For me today it is not about canceling my obligations or not doing my choirs. It is about what I feel in my heart.

I remember one morning when I heard Elk rutting. The screams were shrilling and loud sharp piercing sounds. The males could lock horns for over a day. Of course the power struggles humans have can easily exceed that. When power issues are raised, it is possible the hidden truth is there but no one can see it. When one challenges another and wins, is there really power to capture for is it really there?? I wonder (ponder, ponder??)

Lets use the imagination… We are walking in the forest and we come upon a beautiful mansion and you can see it is full of fine furniture and many precious objects. A note on the door says” Do not think of stealing and do not envy the one who seems to have it. All you need is a personnel key, then open this door and all is yours.”

Well, where is the key? To find the key, is to let your intuition lead you. If this is hard to do then visualize what you are holding onto now and see it as in future years from now. This may seem scary, but like a snake and his skin, after a loss comes something more fresh and new..

The advice of an old one ” Listen to the sounds around you, if you don’t like the sounds change the station; meaning you have the responsibility to live as a good person. As a person who knows the right way and goes that way, if you are going the wrong way just turn around and step by step you will be going the right way.”

PSS: R.I.P. Michael Jackson ,thank you for sharing the music in you.
June 25, 2009. Thank You

I need to become invisible, when it is all said and done, so my movements in the outside world can go undetected. Like when the lights go out, or the sun goes down even the little glow of a light can attract unwanted attention.
When darkness or unwanted fears are at it’s high point I think it is best i hide. I mean my thoughts and efforts should; be silent keep within , protected out of harms ways.
Everyday i will face dangerous uncertainties because they do exist. I am really try hard not to become depressed or anxious. i tell myself ” this will pass” Just keep going, keep to your self and outwardly remain cooperative and flexible. Don’t look to far ahead or it will eat me up.

Still stay cautious and control myself, i don’t need forces of opposition now. So if i was invisible i could step around those sleeping dogs.
Apple and i are on the beach again

Sad to think the summer is coming to an end. A week or 2 and back to school.

Adsenxe, click and clkick
I don’t get it
Why doesn’t any one click
Please why?

We took Grandma to the Golf course to enjoy great food.
Check out the Balfour Golf Course

This blogging is not a easy job. First, you have to decide if you feel like writing today. Second, you have to compile sentences and hope you are getting your point across. Make sure all your I’s are dotted and all your T’s crossed. Then you check for spelling and add your photos, embed your video.Then there is link to this, link to that, research the subject for more content. Oh, you need a coma here, an extra space, get that out of there.

Then the sorry part, I hit publish. Oh no, I missed some errors (here I was thinking, don’t worry nobody has read it yet.) WRONG.

So I would go back and edit, then edit, then edit some more. I didn’t know that the first hit to the publish button is what is fed. What I mean is, I forgot that my coach told me this, and I didn’t realize how important a step this is.

So again sorry. I will try to do better. Save and continue; save and continue, make sure, make sure, okay look one last time. Now publish.

I have been so busy with blogging. I have stay up late setting and rearranging my site. I have a Google and a Amazon account now. I want to make this into my job, and make a living at this. I have walked enough miles and need to slow down. Since I have been off work, I have become more in tune with my body. It is screaming SLOW DOWN.

This last attack has set me on my ass. (Yes pun intended) I still intend on living as long as my Grandmother did. With this in mind I need a creative outlet and money coming in.

Teege is going to need more than just high school. The cost of an education is horrendous, and I want to help him every way I can. The acreage will always need money put into it, costs keep going up and up.

So help me to sustain an income and I will be here for you to read.

Thank You