stumbling along

I feel like I really need to use today as a real day off. My spirit and my nerves need soothing. So today I am taking as a very quiet day. I am going to imagine a few fantasies. I need to manufacture in my mind first then I can go forward into making them real. Since that weekend in Victoria I had decided to take on a project that will (I believe) benefit all woman. I feel I need to and if I am going to make it real, you must first create it in your mind.
I tell myself all the time

“You are in a timeless state of grace where there is no doubt, shame or grief.”

Someone else said this first.

Later tho, my family is going to a Grey Cup party which we were invited to by the new guy at my work. I am looking forward to it. We need the relationship with other couples. Thanks Spike for inviting us.

Here is an ad and if you click on it, I get pay. So click away.

Well I have had some hard days at work. The work load it seems has increased X2. I am surviving and banking the OT. We haven’t taken a trip ever and would really like to go to Mexico. That is what I will donate my over time to.

As you see I have a evening post and I am giving myself one hour to do this . Good goal to work towards and the Mentalist will be on so I don’t want to miss it.

I started my day with a list of things to do. As the day went on I found it hard to accomplish a completion. It started to get dark, cold and still raining. My energy levels depleting quickly, but (you knew there was a but) as allows I completed. Last year I wore a head lamp but it felt so unsafe you need day light for mt work. I am curious what Work Safe would say about an injury in the dark. Maybe I should look up my case worker and ask her. I just figured out I should do this.

I found to day amongst all the work load time to think of a project I would like to do. The woman conference has inspired me to take on a project to honor all my sisters.( I will post of the gathering soon) Today felt like a spiritual realization that with my wisdom and my hope that I will be able to complete it. It will be amazing. I will benefit all woman. I am make a plan, and choosing my allies. So here I am teasing you because i am telling you what the project is. I am feeling more committed to it as time passes. To pull this off I will have to have volunteers and money. well definitely donate money to help children of this world.
Short but hour is up.. Thanks for listening.

I feel once I sort out what is real and what are fantasies, and what are my thoughts and what are others’ thoughts that surround you, then and only then, will I find it easier to respond and or keep stuff to your self. This can and has been difficult for me.

At the woman’s gathering they said to practice it in front of a mirror, so I think practice is in order. I did do that and I think it did help but I need to keep my feelings or emotions out of it. I said this to one of the girls there and she said

“You will be able to and thank you for the opportunity of being part of your healing.”

I had not really thought of it that way, but she was right they all were part of my healing even tho I did not see them there when I was up there speaking it was all a blur. I know it has change my life and what I think are my responsibilities. I say it that way because I know now that others may think my responsibilities are something else. Sometimes I think hurry up and get there because you are running out of time. That is when I need to stop and think ‘Why rush?’ If you want it and you want it to last then you can’t go fast.

Here is my thinking now, I live in this huge rain forest (I say huge because the trees stand about three times as tall as the trees on the farm where I grew up.) I transferred here to this forest and started my new route the day before 911. Now these trees took years to grow maybe even centuries. The development of the branches and the bark it is a slow and steady growth cycle to create such beauty. That unexpected event, the traveling by plane, the socializing, all of it played a part in my changing, my healing. Someone once said to me

“Good things can sprout quickly, the truly amazing takes longer.”

This rule, (let me call it, gradual development) is a rule to even apply to relationships. Relationships for love, marriage,for team sports or even business relationships. Progress must be steady and slow to allow for bonding, yet steady in the right direction. I heard this from my Father at times.

“You can’t expect to have everything at once.”

I often did not want to hear this, ‘give it time’ don’t rush and manipulate, let it grow naturally. Some of you have heard these saying to. Well I think I can listen now, it is a lesson that I want to stick with me now. And you know what “It feels good.” ” Here is where I end this post “I will succeed.”

I really hope I am touching other people with my blog. Healing unspoken hurts and unseen wounds. I have open my heart and lent my compassionate nature to you. Please don’t kill me for it. I hope you can look at me for dependability and understand, this helps my healing progress to.

I see myself as offering something unique and guided by forces within. What ever stands in the way is only temperately there. Which is really not a bad thing. Difficulties, obstacles or even setbacks can eventually become assets. For example if that oyster on the bottom of the ocean floor did not have little bites of sand around him, he would not make such beautiful pearls. If it is an obstacle that is deemed huge, then the best thing is to go around it rather than trying to move it. What ever the case maybe don’t pay it no mind. The most difficult problems have a positive side because it often make you turn inward and gain an understanding of your character and personal growth. An amazing man from German who loves to fly planes once told me

“Without air resistance, no plane would ever fly.”

And if you are hiking in the forest and you come upon a huge boulder

“go around, if you try to move it, you will hurt your shoulder.”

I love my children and am concern for their future. I need to be firm and we need to talk more. I mean expressing our feelings for each other. Lots of communication between us.

I will end this post on that note.

‘Communicate with your children today, okay.’

So here I am another day and posting. Three days in a row, reason is mostly because it is the weekend. I realize that keeping this up, daily posting I mean I need to change the way I do it, or not post daily. Reason is it has been taking me almost three hours or four before I am happy enough to hit that Publish button, I try to use words I mean to say and I try to say something meaningful. The subject is easy because

‘we all love to talk about ourselves’

(so I have been told) seriously, I would sooner listen to someone talk about themselves. So I find myself, doing this often, I take the conversation into their world and I hear them. Honestly tho, I sometimes don’t hear them and I pretend that I did hear them. Now this happens when the voice in my head has grasped a thought they shared and for some reason my thoughts will stay there till I shake it off or I say the thought with them. So see in the meantime they said ‘this….’ and I didn’t really hear those words. Some say,

‘I wasn’t paying attention.’

Or it is that I am paying attention to the thought that I can help them with. Most of the time when I share with them the words that come into my head I get a physical feeling like goose bump. I think that is the best word to use to describe the feeling. I only wonder if these words I seem to need to say are words that are meaningful and profound to them.

I like the words magical and mystical, they connect to another word imagination. Now really these are of a positive nature and then now you are in a positive atmosphere. It is a spiritual environment where I can turn the most boring projects or chores into a time for reflecting on who I am and what for and why? It is about expanding my imagination and that positive environment makes it easier. I know I need those positive words like optimistic, upbeat, and how about beautiful, so on. Then again sometimes, I do not express it in words but I see it in my mind.

These time of being alone are so very important to. It is a time to recognize ourselves, to look at how we are developing and to restore our energy so we can move forward.

Someone said something like this to me once;

“The most restful person may not be the one who sleeps ten hours a day, but the one able to grab catnaps while cruising 600 miles-per-hour at 35,000 ft.”

Understanding time to act, and to keep quite when it is time to keep still. In doing this is partly how you can get ‘peace of mind’ and then I am more focused.

When I was a little girl I use to visit my Uncle Fred, who was a switchboard operater and he was in a wheelchair . But he could wheel up to this switchboard (by the way this was a dinosaur way of communicating), all the chords he would pull and place into a hole to connect this person to that. I would look at his switch board and I would wonder how he knew what hole to place it to make the communication smooth. Well our bodies work much in the same way. As we sit erect and our spine is balanced and our nerves are the switchboard that causes your body to move.

He-he, I don’t know why I shared that story, have not thought of Uncle Fred for a very long time.

I need to treat this spark of energy with care and protect it. Imagine myself as a candle lite to allow you to see and warm. Then a wind comes up and I circle my hand around the flame to stop it from going out. Yet don’t get to close that you put it out or burn yourself. Like the worry I maybe deemed crazy could suffocate my spark.

Sometimes I know I am misunderstood and I am not sure if I have made enough effort to make my love ones appreciate me. Everyone in my world think stuff about me that isn’t true. But I like it be that way. Like at work I went home sick on Thursday and today I feel I am still sick and yet I am worried about staying home. “What will my co-worker think.” My digestive system is wonky and I sit her on my yoga ball thinking well try to go to work. Then I think but where will I find a washroom if I need it. When I am on route I can’t say ” Stomach stop that, I have 5 blocks to go before we are near a washroom, just wait,k.”

Now don’t get me wrong my children give me great pleasure and I love my husband dearly. But communication and sharing I find is not as good as I think I should be. See how I worded that “as good as I think it should be” They probably think everything is great. So deep down I have this inner conflict of being with them and being alone. Or do I, come on be honest with your self. Maybe fear plays a big part. Seem these days fear is playing a big roll.

Well I think I shall end there and go watch a movie or continue reading the book I started last weekend. None the less I want to escape from my usually weekend chores.